I Need Control

I thought about how it would feel to not be in control of my body. Just the feeling I get from imagining it sends shockwaves through my brain. What if you couldn’t control what you do? If all your actions and thoughts and feelings weren’t really your own? And then it hit me. This is what it’s like to live with a mental illness. I am plagued by the fears of the everyday teenager amplified by a thousand. Walking into a restaurant shakes me to the core. I worry if these people think I’m fat, or ugly, or awkward, or weird, or abnormal. These people that I don’t even know, so why does anything they think in their minds matter to me? Everything around me continues to shudder from the motions of the footsteps of people crowding around and slowly, unknowingly suffocating me from the inside out. Constantly people throughout society are deteriorating with every word, thought, feeling, emotion, action that stems from someone or something other than their own individual mind. We are not in control.

She’s Happier

I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could show you the pain and hurt. Thinking about him hurts. He took my life, stole it from me. He made me into this mirage of a girl who thought she could be the world to him. I thought I could be his world. I wish I could show you the torture, the unknown. I wish I could prepare you for the battle you were about to walk into, but unfortunately I had no idea. I took this path into the darkness, down an undiscovered road buried beneath the twisted vines of his lies, and the creatures of his mind. I thought I could fight my way through it. I thought I could find his guarded tower, almost like it was a fairy tale. He told me things I thought he hadn’t told anyone else before. He said things that gave me a sense of hope. He said he cared about me. He said he had feelings. He made me believe I was making it down that path. He tricked me into thinking I was winning. But what was the prize? Him? Love? The reality was that I was never going to win. I was never making progress. I was stuck in one spot, with him manipulating the walls around me to make me believe I was actually getting somewhere. I wish I could pull down the sheets around you and make you realize that it’s all a game. I wish I could show you how much more there is to your life than just this virtual reality he has created for you. I get it though. I understand the lure of his soft and enticing caress. He may be an ass around other people, but when it’s just you two, he’s the sweetest guy you’ve ever met. He makes it all okay. He makes you think you’re okay. Everything he’s ever done wrong is all wiped away by one little smile, that smile that makes you believe you’ve got him. He smiles at you and you think he’s yours, and you’re his. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time you let him steer you in a different direction you are giving him ultimate power. You believe he’s getting closer, but he’s pushing you further away. He’s creating a simulation that fools your mind into falling for him. And once you’ve completely fallen there’s no way out other than straight out the way you got in. You have to tell yourself that you will not let him control you. You have to get out of there. Turn around and take the path back to the start. Become the girl you used to be. She’s a much happier person.

Realize Who You Want To Be

There’s always one person at least that people don’t want to be, and they try everything in their power to not be like them. You tell yourself that no matter what happens you will not end up like them. For me, I do whatever it takes to try and not follow in his footsteps, and to create my own path, but it’s kind of useless. I’ve learned that in the end, that one person you said you weren’t going to be, is who you become because you focus so much on that and it becomes all you  know. And it’s because of that I’m trying to ignore it and push him out of the picture, and I encourage you, whoever you are, to do the same. If there’s someone in your life who isn’t doing anything but causing pain, realize that you don’t want to be like them, and move on. For you will remember that experience but it will not overpower all the positive things that you do want to become.